Thirtieth of January, Past Midnight

I'm confused.
I suppose some thinking would help clear up the thoughts in my head, but the problem is, I don't know what I'm confused about.
So here I am, restlessly pacing in my room, thinking of things to do, things to help me get rid of the feeling.
I can't continue reading The Season of Mists because I know I am currently oscitant and probably won't pay any attention to the details.
I think of reading a different book, and I look behind me to see which would be good. Comics? Nah. I am not in the mood for humor. A novel? Sure, but what? I've read all of my books at least twice. An ebook? Considerable... but no. My eyes need a break from the glow of the monitor.
In front of me is an old, tattered book, worn down by me and my sister's hands, worn down by time, worn down by use. Mythology. I've checked up a couple of things while reading the Sandman. Hm. I should read this again. I open the book, feeling the brittle pages. Yes. Maybe I'll read it. But I need to finish this journal first.
A sigh.
A yawn.
Maybe I should just sleep. It would do me well to get some much needed shuteye, but I'm afraid that once I lie down my bed, I'll start thinking.
Thinking....
Thinking....
Thinking about something that should never be talked about.


Maybe I'm not so confused after all.

Sloth-vana?

I have reached the highest state of slothfulness.

I am asleep for more than 12 hours of the day.
I sleep with the TV remote in hand.
My jaw hurts when I eat too slow.
And last but not the least, my head actually hurts whenever I think.

F*ck. I need a job. Better yet, a life.

Untitled

My parents and I have an interview at the American Embassy tomorrow regarding our application for non-immigrant visas. My parents are in the dining room, fixing our papers for tomorrow, and here I am, partly anxious and partly pissed about the whole application. My mom's really taking this seriously, and I can't blame her because she really wants to go. She wants to see my sister and her granddaughters again. I'm assuming I can say the same about my dad. I, on the other hand, want to go as well, but when I saw what reason my mom put down on my application for a visa, I got pissed.

Apparently, one of the reasons I want to go to the US is "to see your beautiful country." Talk about MAJOR suck up. I don't think America is beautiful, I think it's overrated. Its got an intellectually challenged president, a high cost of living and low morals and values. I just want to go there because I want to go shopping for LOTR merchandise. And possibly see some plays or musicals. And maybe hope to go to Disneyland or Six Flags. But that's about it.

If you ask me, I'd rather go to New Zealand. But that's another matter.

Fine, it would be nice to get out of this God-forsaken country for a while. And at least I won't have to deal with *bleep*. But to say that America is beautiful is, well... crossing the line. I feel dirty after saying it. Hehehe.

I just want to see the US. That's it. Nothing more.

*** The author sincerely apologizes for the non-too-scholarly outcome of this journal. She cannot keep the bag of chips waiting. ***
*** The author would also like to say that if you are working in the American Embassy and has chanced upon this journal, kindly allow me and my parents to go to America. My parents really want to visit my sister, and I must check if my soulmate could possibly be in Connecticut. ***

*evil grin*

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

And I bet he's flattered.

It's 430AM and I'm Happy

Best (shortest, actually) game of Flash Chess I've had so far. Ü
Can't say it's my Ultimate Best because I've lost so many pieces.

I feel great. Say what you want about me being too obsessed with chess, but I'm just ecstatic over the fact that my brain still works even after 2 months without school. Also, even though I know that I am still a pathetic chess player, I'm happy because I am now capable of setting up a checkmate.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually having fun waging this little war with AI. In fact, I'm just happy that I'm playing chess again. I remember myself back in the fourth grade opting to stay in the classroom and play chess with a willing classmate instead of standing under the blazing hot sun playing some game like volleyball... Although, now that I think about it, choosing the latter could have eventually been physically rewarding for me. Hehe. But in any case, I feel a little sense of accomplishment in being able to play this game again. Especially when that "Checkmate! You Won!" appears on the right side of the screen.

Wheee!!!

Flash Chess

This is all I've been doing for the past three days.
And for the first and second times of my life, I was able to win via checkmate.

The first I won by chance (well, I think I really wasn't paying attention). The second I won by killing the computer's 2 bishops by sacrificing my own.




(I know, I know, I'm pathetic. I'm just happy that my brain still works after a month without school)

Do You Suppose...

If it were Christmas everyday, would humanity in general, act nicer?
Or would we eventually degrade the value of Christmas?

My Fate

Eyes closed to see the eternal darkness.
Fading physically,
Fading from view,
Fading from memory.
Oblivion.
I am nothing but six feet under.

A Cat in the Bag Waiting to Drown

"All this talk of getting old, its getting my down my love. Like a cat in a bag waiting to drown. This time I'm coming down." (-- The Verve, The Drugs Don't Work)

I am starting to realize my worst fears.

For example, I have always been afraid of losing one of my parents. Losing both of my parents isn't a big deal for me because in that case, I'm going to kill myself. Now losing one is a totally different story. They're like Sam and Frodo (hehe, couldn't think of a better comparison sorry!): the loss of one would be devastating on the other... and as I am utterly dependent on both, I wouldn't know what to do. Now I've always had this fear... except that I never imagined it to be hanging so close over my head. Late last year, I had this dream - a sequence of random events unrelated to one another, in which the last event was my mom's death. I was freaked out and immediately went to praying for it not to happen. Things seemed well, until for the past few months, bits and pieces of my dream have begun happening. Now I've begun to freak out and have begun thinking morbid thoughts like, "Oh my God, this could be my mom's last birthday," or "This could be the last Christmas my mom's going to spend with us."

Shit. Not only am I paranoid now, I'm also scared shitless as to what I'm going to do in case that happens. *SIGH*

Another monster that's been rearing its ugly head is me dying all alone and lonely. It's kind of ironic because I used to want NOT to live past 30. Living, for me, required some kind of effort, something that I just didn't have. My idea of a full life was partying and falling in love. It's like in a journal I haven't gotten around to: I finally got my ROTK EE DVD, so all I need to do now is get laid and then I can die. But ironically, seeing as I'm so close to achieving my goal of dying young, I've started entertaining the thought of growing old with the love of my life and having a family. Even more ironic is that since I haven't met the love of my life yet (I think), I am now really, really afraid of dying alone.

Contradicting, I know. But it gets worse.

I've started to CONSIDER the idea that two people predestined to be with one another is bullshit. Looking at the way things are going between me and X, I believe that as long as the two of you are willing enough to work on the relationship, it's going to work. So in case the things we've been talking about do happen, I'm quite optimistic that things will end well. But of course, a small part of me cries out in discontent. I don't think X is THE love of my life, and vice versa. Therefore I'm not that confident in my theory. And therefore, I realize there my future as a wife is uncertain, like:
A) things between me and X go well;
B) things between me and X go bad and I still end up alone and unloved;
C) things between me and X go bad and I get married a second time;
D) things between me and X never materialize and I'm going to meet the great love of my life;
E) I meet someone else and we try to work things out;
F) I'm going to die all alone.
The uncertainty of it all is terrifying.

*SIGH*

Something else to sigh about too. Two other fears that I've developed (they're quite peculiar actually) is that 1) My parent's relationship is a sham and 2) I will never be able to have kids. Okay. The first one is related to the theory I have previously mentioned. Supposing that it is true, it introduces the possibility of my parent's relationship not being as perfect as I have percieved it to be. Maybe they really don't love one another, maybe they simply stayed together for me and my sisters. Maybe they're not really happy with one another. It's really shattering, actually. My family is - generally speaking - perfect. Having this fear is threatening to destroy the very blueprint of the family I want to have in the future (in case I'm certain that I do want one).

The second fear, on the other hand, is about me having kids. To my nieces and nephews, I'm the doting aunt. I'm afraid that this image will eventually develop into the stereotype - an old maid that never got married, never got kids of her own, so she gives all her attention (not to mention pasalubongs) to her sister's children. Or if in case I don't change into that stereotype, I might fall into a different one - a married aunt who couldn't have kids so she treats her nieces and nephews like the children she will never have. *SIGH* I know, I know, it's freaky. But I'm just scared because the opportunity of spending a lot of time with Aaron and his siblings might have been given by God now because I won't be having any children in the future.

My life is dominated by my fears. Right now, the thing that fuels my drive to live is that someday, I will get over these things I am afraid of. That the uncertainty and anxiousness I am suffering right now will be resolved. Things may or may not work out well, but at least I am someone, someplace.

Coldplay - The Scientist

Para sa mga kaka-break up lang o sa mga nahihirapan mag-let go. Kumanta na lang tayo, mga kapatid.

Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you,
Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.
Tell me your secrets,
And ask me your questions,
Oh, let's go back to the start.
Runnin' in circles,
Comin' up tails,
Heads are a science apart.
Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh, take me back to the start.
I was just guessing,
At numbers and figures,
Pulling the puzzles apart.
Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Don't speak as loud as my heart.
Tell me you love me,
Come back and haunt me,
Oh, when I rush to the start.
Runnin' in circles,
Chasin' tails,
Comin' back as we are.
Nobody said it was easy,
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm goin' back to the start.
Oooooh...

Have you seen this guy?

WANTED


Distinguishing Characteristics

• Has long hair up to the middle of his back
• Usually wears yellow shirts
• Sometimes wears glasses
• Can be usually found hanging around the thesis room
• Estimated to be a senior in DLSU College of Computer Studies, Majoring in Software Technology

If found, please contact author as soon as possible. Any information about this individual especially his name and cellphone number will be greatly appreciated.

Hollywood Video's 60-Second Theatre

The Lord of the Rings

Bilbo: Frodo, I'm going away and leaving you my magic gold ring.
Frodo: Wow, Your ring?
Bilbo: Yeah, hope you like it. Bye!
Door closes.
Door opens.
Bilbo: Oh, and the ring is cursed.
Door closes again.
*knock knock*
Frodo: Hi Gandalf.
Gandalf: Hey, nice ring.
Frodo: Yeah, and it's cursed!
Gandalf: Really? Does it have an inscription of ancient evil?
Frodo: Let's see... It says, "Brandon and Tanya Forever."
Gandalf: No, under that.
Frodo: Oh, here it is. "If found, please return to Sauron, Lord of Darkness."
Gandalf: Oooh that's bad. The Lord of Darkness probably has evil henchmen looking for it right now.
*knock knock*
Frodo: Who is it?
Voice: Evil henchman.
Door opens.
Frodo: Yes? What can I do for you?
Evil Henchman: The Lord of Darkness has lost his ring of evil. Do you have it?
Frodo: No.
Evil Henchman: Uhh.. What about his sunglasses of evil?
Frodo: Nope.
Evil Henchman: His keys to the evilmobile?
Frodo: No. Sorry, I have to go now. Bye.
Evil Henchman: Wait... Uh... What about his umbrella of doom?
Door closes.
Evil Henchman: ...His galoshes of wickedness?... Hello?....

ROFLMAO.... Oh man, I love this.