Before I Move On...

A Sad Little Postcard from PostSecret

"How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!*
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign’d."
-- Alexander Pope, Eloisa to Abelard

* Lacuna Inc.

*sigh*

Colon Alt+124

November last year, I caught a TV Horror Special dedicated to the macabre lifestyle. In one part of the show, three goth girls were given makeovers by the preppy girl host. Now, I always had the impression that being goth was rooted on being depressed, so I figured that the three girls given makeovers were a bunch fakers, because hey, no self-respecting goth girl would be caught dead wearing a bright yellow shirt with a flower-patterned skirt and sparkly heels to match. That day forward, I figured being goth was just a phase... or better yet, an appearance that people who want to look cool put on.

Tonight, I went to the Fete de la Musique and wound up standing beside a goth girl. She was wearing black all over (no duh!) - black top, black skirt, black bag. I bet even her underwear was black. She had black eyeliner that gave her eyes a droopy look, and black lipstick that (kind of) looked on her sad pout. Everytime I glanced at her, she had that dull, uninterested impression, and I couldn't help but wonder "could someone really be capable of being depressed all the time?" Anybody who stood stiff like a post in the middle of a rock concert is probably deaf, or worse, gone into rigor mortis. How could she tune herself out of an environment pulsing with energy? A lot of practice?

If I had a friend who was goth, I probably wouldn't be able to stand her. Either that or I'd annoy her by asking inane questions, like "Do you watch Spongebob Squarepants?" Think about it. If you're living the goth lifestyle, what activities would you usually do? Do you hang out in your room pondering the pointlessness of life while listening to heavy metal bands? Are you even allowed to headbang (a sure-fire sign of having fun)? If you go out, what do you do for fun? Do you go to arcades? What happens if your non-goth friends ask you out to watch a Ben Stiller movie? When the funny bits come, are you allowed to smile or do you just let out an annoyed grunt?

I'm not making fun of goths. I'm just interested in their lifestyle. I've never known anyone who was breathed and lived goth. The girl standing beside me at the Fete de la Musique was the closest one I've ever come to knowing/seeing. I couldn't exactly extend my hand and ask to meet her because I might intrude on her uh... brooding. So if anyone out there knows some pure goths, please tell me how they go about their lives. Enlighten me. Thanks.

Irony

I grew up in a province in the Philippines. My family was not rich, and my parents only earned enough money sufficient enough to support the seven members in our family. Being the eldest of five children, I saw it as my responsibility to care for my younger siblings. And so I persevered with my education - the only asset I have that would pull our family from poverty. I was able to study grade school and high school at our town's public school, and when it was time for me to go to college, I decided to become a working student in Manila.

I had lofty dreams of becoming a journalist, but the financial needs of my family obliged me to take up nursing - a course, they said, that would allow me to live the American Dream. Dollars: that was what nursing meant. Earning enough money that would take me to greener pastures. So, together with a large majority of my generation, I took up nursing.

Six years later and here I am, living the American Dream for almost a year. I am alone in a foreign land, away from my family. But I am content, seeing as how this calvary keeps my family alive, bringing food to the table and paying for the education of my siblings. I only need to wait two more years before I can bring my family here. I am pulling my family from the poverty we once knew, I am saving them from the hopelessness of the country. I feel guilt for abandoning my homeland, but the need is dire. There is nothing to go back to in the Philippines. My fellow nurses and their families are migrating, eager to get away from everything that our country is drowning itself in.

My brother called me up this morning. My sister had died in a car accident. She would have lived, had it not been for the large amount of blood she was losing. All she had was a cut to her chest, but why wasn't anybody able to save her? There was a hospital in our town. Surely someone there could have saved her. What went wrong? My brother told me that that hospital had closed 3 months ago, on account of the lack of staff. My sister had to be brought to the general hospital in another town, which was one and a half hours away. My sister died during the drive.

I am a nurse. I was trained to care for the sick, to give help to people who need it.
I wasn't able to save my sister.