Someday My Prince Had Better Come... Or Else Ü

I was a child raised by Walt Disney.

For as long as I could remember, my childhood memories of toys and movies revolved around fairy tales. I grew up watching The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, and Aladdin. I fell asleep listening to my Storyteller audio books. My playmates and I would pretend we were in some medieval fairytale of damsels in distress, fearsome dragons, and knights in shining armor. I was a little princess, eager to grow up and waiting to be saved by a gallant prince on a white steed.

I grew up believing that for every person in the world, there exists a soulmate – the missing piece to make them whole. I thought that once two people fell in love, they’d move into a perfect house, have perfect kids, and eventually spend the rest of their days looking into each other’s eyes. I told myself that when I grow up, I’d find my first boyfriend, A.K.A. the love of my life, and the two of us would ride off into the sunset with the line, “and they lived happily ever after“ ,trailing behind us.

Unfortunately, IT FOUND ME. The bitch called Reality, that is. I saw friends fall in love and get hurt. I rationalized and told myself that this was just a statistical happenstance; that it won’t happen to me. I fell in love with an orange jacket I could never have, and dismissed my feelings as nothing more than a crush taken too far. 2 years later I got what I was waiting for - I fell in love. And I told myself it'd be different from all the others' I've seen. But it turns out I was wrong, that Disney was wrong, and that my parents were wrong in reading me fairy tales before I went to bed. Lisa Simpson was right - Romance is dead.

Am I pissed off? Yes. Have I lost hope? No. Jaded with life as I am, I'm still a bit hard-headed when it comes to love. Disney raised me, and old habits die hard. Pocahontas had a falling out with John Smith but found another englishman to replace him. I'm not as romantically-deluded as before, but I still put a lot of faith in finding love. I'm no longer the princess living a solitary life in my tower, idly waiting for my prince to come rescue me. Love is my adventure, and I don't care if I have to kiss every frog that comes my way. My prince is out there somewhere, and one day I'll see him on a sun-lit clearing in the middle of the forest. Who knows? Maybe its him who needs saving. ^_^

Phone Calls

by Y. Lenol

my best friend, my first love, my first heartbreak.

"don't cry, we'll still be best friends..."
didn't i know this was gonna happen.
i did.
the phone calls are now 10 minutes long.
which is... good, because that's less time wasted on the phone.
the phone calls are infrequent.
which is... not that disappointing, because i was expecting it.
the phone calls consist of talk about her and her only.
which is... very, very painful.
soon, the phone calls will not come.
and occasional birthday wish, new year's greetings.
soon, the phone calls will turn into SMS.
a hi, a joke.
soon, the phone calls will turn into emails.
a forwarded message - one of those chain letters.
soon, the phone calls will... stop.

and soon, he will tell her,
"dont cry, we'll still be best friends..."


I got this from here. *sniff* It's so sad.... :(

Fuck Buddy

The wetness of my hair and the heat of our bodies,
The smell of rose-scented lotion, of your cologne, of sweat, of sex
Lingers
In the sheets you've left to warm me.

The Person Adventures, Part I

There were once 4 persons x_X: Persons A, B, C, and D.

Persons A and B were related, how, nobody knows. Person C knew Person A through Person B, but Person D knew both Person A and Person B. Person C had heard about Person D, but didn't think of Person D as much.

One day, Person D told Person B something. Person A, a very perceptive individual, finally had confirmed suspicions. Person B then proceeded to inform Person C. Person C, amused by the situation, had a nice laugh but decided against discussing it any further.

In the next couple of months, Person A got a hold of Person D, and both usually talked about Person B. For reasons unknown, communication lines Person B, Person C and Person D were terminated (whoever did the terminating is also unknown). Person A sometimes saw Person D. And of course, Person B still saw Person A because they were related.

Half a year passes. Person A persuades Person B to go to someplace to do something. By a stroke of luck, Person D was there, and was able to see Person B again. The three of them talk. On the way home, Person A mentions something to Person B regarding Person D. It turns out that Person D had asked Person A for a favor regarding the thing Person D had told Person B months ago. Person A treated the whole Person B and Person D thing seriously, and thus replied to Person D in the negative. Person A had also mentioned something about Person C, but nobody really knows if that was a lie. Person B, upon hearing all of this, suffered a fit of what seemed like amused laughter.

Whether or not Person C bit his or her tongue while this whole conversation happened is unknown.

^_^

It's A Bad Sign When Google Can't Find It

I'm searching for these 4 poems:

Coda by Marilyn Hacker
Memories at the Movies by Joseph Stroud
I Can't Hold You and I Can't Leave You by Juana Ines de la Cruz
Sunshine by Tom Simon

I'm really good at using Google but I can't seem to find it. Is it possible that any of these four poems don't exist in any one of the zillion webpages on the net? :(

Any help will be greatly appreciated. Especially for Sunshine. MOST especially for Sunshine.

True Love

by Wislawa Szymborska

True love. Is it normal
is it serious, is it practical?
What does the world get from two people
who exist in a world of their own?

Placed on the same pedestal for no good reason,
drawn randomly from millions but convinced
it had to happen this way - in reward for what?
For nothing.
The light descends from nowhere.
Why on these two and not on others?
Doesn't this outrage justice? Yes it does.
Doesn't it disrupt our painstakingly erected principles,
and cast the moral from the peak? Yes on both accounts.

Look at the happy couple.
Couldn't they at least try to hide it,
fake a little depression for their friends' sake?
Listen to them laughing - its an insult.
The language they use - deceptively clear.
And their little celebrations, rituals,
the elaborate mutual routines -
it's obviously a plot behind the human race's back!

It's hard even to guess how far things might go
if people start to follow their example.
What could religion and poetry count on?
What would be remembered? What renounced?
Who'd want to stay within bounds?

True love. Is it really necessary?
Tact and common sense tell us to pass over it in silence,
like a scandal in Life's highest circles.
Perfectly good children are born without its help.
It couldn't populate the planet in a million years,
it comes along so rarely.

Let the people who never find true love
keep saying that there's no such thing.

Their faith will make it easier for them to live and die.

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Post deleted by user.

Hehehe.

Losing Something I Once Had

No, I'm not talking about my virginity.

What I'm talking about is my idealism. It started when I was a kid, being drilled by my titos and titas about possible Little Miss Philippines questions. "What would you like to be when you grow up?" they'd ask. I'd a smile a cute 6-year-old smile and answer, "I want to be a doctor."
"Why?"
"Because I want to help people."

Forward a few years later, I've realized that I wasn't cut out for all that blood and gore, so I changed my interests to law. I was doing well with my HS debates and I really enjoyed the adrenaline rush that came with crushing my opponent's arguments. Unfortunately, I was too much of a coward to even try and pursue a pre-law course so I fell into the course my parents chose for me: Computer Science.

The first two years of college was fun. I actually enjoyed programming. I was pretty good with problem solving, and I thought to myself, I could really do this for a living. Two years later, I was so burned out from spending too much time in front of the computer. My brain works just fine, but I decided I want a job that enabled me to interact with something other than the monitor. The career of a software engineer could take you to a consultant position, but I'm much too tired to even try.

Now I'm actually looking for a job. I've been applying as a software engineer, but so far, no other offers have shown up. I'm getting even more tired by the minute. Enter HSBC, with an offer for a Customer Service Representative position (Technically, its not an offer yet, but I'm off to get a medical on Friday).

So here I am, deciding whether or not to take it. I don't actually need a job, I just need money. And I'm too much of a good daughter to keep asking my parents (Hehehe). I'm still applying in a number of other companies, however, my not-too-well-written resume seems to have gotten lost after I submitted them. Either that, or it's gone to the trash bin.

I've asked my closest friends what they think of the HSBC job. They keep emphasizing on the fact that it's a call center job, something I'm overqualified for. Some say I could always wait for the next one, but one of my friends told me I should take it because she heard that HSBC pays good.

Money. Ah money. You know that line that goes, "love makes the world go round?" That's bullshit. MONEY makes the world go round. Everyone needs money. And therein lies my conflict. If the offer from HSBC will be good, should I take it?

If I say yes, chances are I'll end up like Jeni: overpaid and underworked. It's a setting I could probably go for, except for that nagging voice at the back of my head that says, "I know how to program dammit. I can do better than answering calls from people who have problems using an ATM machine."

If I say no, I'd have to wait. Wait for another offer to come my way. A programming job. That means applying to more companies, taking more tests, going to more interviews. I'm tired, and I want money now. But that aside, getting into a programming job will allow my brain to function close to its maximum potential. The downsides I could think for this one would be first, I'd be bonding with the computer monitor again, and second, I won't be able to interact with as much people as I want to, be active, that kind of stuff.

Will I be happy either way? Truth is, I wouldn't know unless I try. Another truth, I really don't care. My primary interest right now is money. It sounds terrible, but like I said, I've lost the idealism I once had. Being happy with a job will just be a benefit now. Something I could probably rationalize into. And I'm really good with rationalizing.

Tsk tsk. Oh well. I've still got a couple more days to think about it. But in the meantime, if you call me up, you'll hear me answer with: "Thank you for calling my cellphone. This is roseraven11 speaking. How may I help you?"

Hah!

I Could Tell From The Minute I Woke Up...

...it was gonna be a lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely day. (-- Phantom Planet, Lonely Day)

I've been awake for less than an hour and already I'm depressed. It's a nice, bright Monday afternoon that I just can't appreciate. I'm sick and tired of life. Of everything. I just want to crawl back into bed and die. I never want to wake up again. I just want to die, leave this world, and be forgotten.

I never asked to be born. To the people who say that life is a gift, I say take your life and stuff it up your ass. Had I never been born, I'd never be here wallowing in depression. And don't get started with the you'd-have-missed-all-the-good-things-in-life lecture. If I wasn't born I wouldn't give a rat's ass because I wouldn't know what the hell I was missing. Much less care.

I hate this. I hate my life and I hate myself. I have a damn lot of reasons why I should be thankful and happy with my life: I have loving parents, I have a not-too-dysfunctional family, I have great friends, and considering, I have money to spend. Why can't I bring myself to appreciate it?

I'm an ungrateful brat. I always see the bad side of things. But then again, maybe I really am getting a hefty dose of the negative things in life. They say life is all about balance - I have a lot of good things, so I guess I should get a lot of bad things too. Like the lack of brains and a job and more friends and the chance to kick my ex in the balls.

Sometimes I think that people could see me as the perfect candidate to take to their Alive-Alive meetings. Maybe my depression is due to the fact that I lack God in my life. Well, maybe I do, maybe I don't. I believe in a God. I sometimes talk to Him to give thanks, apologize, and say sorry. But most of the time I think God is a passive God. He just leans back on his great, big LazyBoy and watches the world go about. Our fates lie on our own hands, and God won't interfere if we all slaughter one another. So, yes - I believe in a God, but only because I take comfort in believing there's a greater power out there, even if he doesn't do anything. But when I really need something, or feel apologetic or just thankful, it does me good to go to church. Just to talk.

Maybe I just need a psychiatrist. Tsk.

I took 41 minutes writing this entry. Not bad considering the possibility that I could have spent the time crying. *Sigh*

23 hours and 19 minutes to go.

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I'm afraid that one day I'm going to wake up and find myself in a mental institution.

...I'm also afraid that one day, while driving, I'm just going to snap and start slamming into cars on purpose. Or I might suddenly make a 90-degree turn, then stop and wait for the cars to hit me.

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Thinking about the future makes my heart sink to the pit of my stomach. I think about the failed status of my career (or lack thereof), my unsatisfying, uninteresting, i-really-don't-want-to-do-this degree, the dwindling count of my friends, and my fear of eventually becoming disinterested in any course that I take.

Career. I don't know .NET. Most of the programming languages I know are considered archaic - ASP, VB. Others, I don't even want to remember - Java, PHP. I have this gut feeling that whenever I apply for a programming job, they just look at the programming languages I know then aim for the wastebasket. Now I'm pretty much regretting not accepting that Accenture offer. But I'm good with rationalizing so at least it's not affecting me that much. There's still this glimmer of hope that I'll get a job, because... well, I'm smart right? Right?

Anyway, supposing I do get a job as a programmer... what then? I was talking to GV last Monday and he told me that 25K is probably the highest salary a programmer could receive. The only way to really make money is well... be in a managerial position. The kapal-muks part of me says I can probably do it, but the insecure part of me taunts, "You've got to be kidding me."

Of course, there's also the angle of opening my own business. As of now, the main idea that appeals to me is real estate. Unfortunately, to invest in a business like that, you've got to have a huge, and I mean - HUGE capital... something I don't have. Two other businesses I'm considering are the graphics design business that Jeni and I have been planning for years, and the T-Shirt business I want to go in to. The graphics design business sounds good, but I'm not sure if Jeni really wants to pursue it, much alone be serious about it. The T-Shirt business, on the other hand, is pretty risky. I like designing logos for shirts - meaning what's written on them, not the design-design concerning lack of straps and plunging necklines. I'm aiming to have a store that'll reach the same heights as Penshoppe or Bench, but let's be realistic here - I think there's much more money to be had in Greenhills distributed clothing. Hehehe. So... oh well.

Degree. I hate computer science. I've said it before and I'll say it again. When I was a college froshie and a sophomore, I really enjoyed what I was doing, but eventually the novelty wore off. Who wants a degree that'll eventually confine someone to working in a cubicle, hunched over a keyboard and glazingly stare at the glow of the computer monitor? Tsk. I really should have picked a course that allows me to interact with people.

Friends. Okay, okay, so this fear is a little unfounded. It's just that I never see any of my old friends. The only people I've kept in close contact with since High School is Jacky (who I never see but usually call) and Jeni (who I never call but usually see). My college friends, on the other hand, have seemingly forgotten how it is to have an active social life ever since they got a job. I never see them anymore, they can't find time to fit a dinner into their busy schedule. In fairness, I still talk to Monica and Mil on the phone. I haven't talked to Joan that much because she's busy with the thesis, but I'm planning to call her up sometime. As for Geraldo and Patrick, Ge - i sometimes see (for the occasional movie and pizza) while Pat - he's on the other side of the world, probably bonding with his Korean roommate. *wink wink* Hehehe.

Disinterest. Since I regret taking up computer science, most of my free time is spent wondering what could have been supposing I picked a different course. There were the Psych-Criminology degrees I wanted to get, the Education degree, Culinary Arts, and currently, International Studies (so I can work in the Italian consulate/embassy. Hehehe). I'm thinking of pursuing the first one once I manage to save some money, but I'm afraid that with my short attention span, I'll eventually lose interest, similar to what had happened with my current degree. Tsk tsk. Loser, I know.

***

Everyone lives in a state of discontent, I'm just afraid that I'm experiencing it on a grand scale. Hehehe. My discontent leads to disinterest which leads back to discontent which will eventually lead to a life with no direction, no future. And my heart falls to the pit of my stomach again.

Things I Miss

Reading Jeni's blog drove me to write my own list of things I miss too. Shit. I hate remembering how good my life was. What the hell happened?

1. Waking up to the smell of rain and breakfast cooked by my mom. Classes canceled. Wheee!!!
2. Saturday morning cartoons and Kellog's Frosted Flakes.
3. The What's Opera, Arnold? episode. Bullfights and swordfights, rolling in manure! Blows to the head, I can endure. Fighting bulls is all I want in life - plus I could use a wife. And sev'ral pairs of tights in shades of blue. Helga, please say "I do".
4. Reading books. And I mean lots and lots of books. Forget sleeping.
5. Talking on the phone into the wee hours of the morning. Jeni, Janet, Laica, Kerwin.
6. Playing Tomb Raider. Angel of Darkness SUCKED.
7. Walking around St. Scho with Jeni and Jacky after classes. Remember Jacky hitting that metal post? Wahahaha!!!!
8. The golden color of the surroundings after sunset. Imagine getting out of Elective class and seeing the world outside the classroom in such a vivid color. Wow.
9. Economics classes. Or better yet, Mrs. Isidro.
10. Foods classes, especially when I was in 4th year. It was held from 8AM-1PM every Friday. There was a time when a consecutive number of Friday classes were canceled at the last minute (my classmates and I were already at school), but instead of packing up and going home, my groupmates and I cooked. and ate. and ate. and ate.
11. Childhood ignorance. The biggest problem I had then was getting my parents to buy me a new Barbie doll.
12. My high school barkada's lunch table. Jacky asking for spare change among each of us. Going around the table and tasting each other's food. Patikim nga!
13. Going to Maouie's house and playing with our Barbie's. Igi and their drooling little brother. Their family has the coolest collection of books. Not to mention furniture.
14. Lourdes' Halloween birthday parties. I'd always go as a witch, complete with the big black dress and pointy hat.
15. My grade school friends. Maouie, Lourdes, Jessica, Joanne, Ria, etc.
16. Playing chess every PE class. We had the option to play either chess or ball games in the field. My friends and I chose to lock ourselves in the classroom instead of running under the blazing hot sun.
17. Encyclopedia Brown.
18. Jeni and I talking about our future plans in the film industry. The movie about a serial killer (played by Jacky) who has that freaky smile. The computer graphics design company we want to build.
19. Smoking in Agno together with the girls.
20. Fencing. I miss holding my sword.
21. My grade school subjects. We had language/literature where we read classics like Tom Sawyer, Little House and the Prairie, The Wizard of Oz, and Greek Mythology. We also had Botany and Zoology - imagine memorizing the phylums Protozoa, Porifera, Coelenterata, Mollusca, etc. all the classes(?) under each of them.
21. My grade school crushes.
22. Grace S. and her big orange jacket. *sigh*
23. Eating a McDonald's caramel sundae with my ex. The most memorable, fun moment I remember was when I was trying to pull this tiny piece of skin from his finger. He'd pull his hand away and plead to me not to do it because it was painful. I couldn't resist so we were struggling, laughing, and giggling for 5 minutes or so. Towards the end, we were asking one another, "Ba't ka tumatawa?"
24. Overnights at Monica's house. We'd watch TV, talk to people online, make chismis, and of course- take hourly trips to the kitchen. Ironically, we were supposed to be doing our school projects. Hehehe.
25. The tamagochi. I was the first in our HS batch to own this thing, thereby leading to Achelle calling me that Tamagochi for the next two years. ^_^ Funny incident with a tamagochi: Cristine Gomez got caught playing with her tamagochi during Social Studies class. Upon confiscation, Cristine beggingly told Sir Isidro, "Sir, wag mong kalimutan pakainin ha?"
26. Bullying Bic-Bic.
27. Sheila, Kata, and RJ. Leave it to our chismosa neighbor to ruin such a great friendship.
28. My brains. I used to be so... philosophical about things. Excessively watching Spongebob and Fairly Odd Parents have left me with an IQ similar to that of Jessica Simpson's. I used to write good journals left and right. Now my thoughts are utterly, utterly disorganized.
29. Teenage resolution. I used to believe that I was smart enough to get by in the world. I used to be so sure of myself. Now I'm sinking deeper and deeper into insecurity.
30. Sundays. My parents and I would go to mass (back when organized religion still worked for me) then eat lunch or go shopping at SM Centerpoint.
31. Sending and receiving mail. When I was in grade school, Maouie, Lourdes, Jessica and I would send letters to one another. I remember writing to Maouie, "I'm sending this letter in the morning, so you should get it around the afternoon." She wrote back with the affirmative. Hehehe. Every so often, I still send some mail. But to Jacky now.
32. The time I screamed "Charlie!!!!" from a moving jeepney. F*cking embarrasing, but I didn't care then.
33. Going out to dinner with my high school friends. We'd follow up on one another's lives, etc. We've been friends for the past 6 years, and despite the fact that we've never seen one another for the past 2 years, I'd like to think we all still miss each one of us.
34. Going out to dinner with my college friends. We'd talk about our batchmates, our new boylets, and of course, the always favorite topic of Aeson and Mil. We'd talk, eat dinner, talk some more, grab some coffee, smoke, and talk and talk all the way home.
35. Sending and receiving texts that contain: "Hey, thanks for the great time tonight. 'Til the next time! Miss you guys! Mwah! Love ya!"
36. My Ultimate Guide to the Simpson's book. It's with my ex and I desperately want it back. I've thought about sending some MIB-looking goon over to his house just to get it back. "We've been sent by Ms. roseraven11. She would like her book back, along with the teddy bear card she gave you on your first monthsary. Thank you."
37. Lord of the Rings movies. Remember The Two Tower's screening?
38. Getting lost with Jeni, and the cursed road from Rockwell that leads to EDSA. We'd frantically bring out the map and work out a path back to familiar territory. We'd shout with the outmost resolution, "Ayan! We pass by this street and take a left here! Then we'll be back to (insert road name)." Then we'd get lost all over again.
39. Me + Patrick + Gerald + movie + Sbarro's/Domino's/Brother's Burger/Jamaican Patties. I gained all the weight I lost while doing the thesis because of this.
40. Laughing. Genuinely laughing.

Speaking Out

I found this article in the Philippine Star by Patricia Evangelista (speaker of The Filipino Diaspora) very interesting, heart warming if you may. I'm not the type who goes for such "nice" speeches (I'm more into berating ones), but the winning speech by Kevin Punzalan of DLSU was very uh - inspired. Anyway, here's an excerpt from Patricia Evangelista's article, where she summarizes parts of Kevin Punzalan's speech:

    He spoke about going to an exchange program in Japan, and being billeted in the same hotel with teenagers from all over the world. In the usual round of shaking hands and making friends, he met another young man, this one from Malaysia. They talked about many things, academics, family, and finally, religion. It was a discussion of their differences. Eventually, the young man talked about his fundamentalist learnings. At the end of the world, he claimed, Allah would bless their race as they rise up against all infidels.
    Kevin took it as a joke. "Does it mean," he asked laughingly, "that you'll kill me at the end of the world?"
    The Muslim boy answered, without batting an eyelesh. "Yes."
    The point of Kevin's story was simple. Differences and diversity may make the world a more interesting place, but it is intolerance of these differences that causes such discord. "People," he said, "fear change - it is this fear that causes them to distrust people other than themselves."
...
    Kevin ended his speech by going back to his story. "I still tried making friends with people. At the end of the exchange program, I spoke to the Muslim boy again - and I did it very slowly." His eyes twinkled impishly. "I asked him, 'So, do you still want to kill me?' He looked me in the eye, and answered, 'Not anymore.'"


Like I said, it's nice. ^_^

We Can't Play This Game Anymore But Can We Still Be Friends?

Whenever my high school barkada and I go out, we sometimes come across Martin, Laica's 1st ex-boyfriend. Despite the fact that they were once romantically involved with one another, these two remain friends. I don't think they were as close as before, but both of them knew what was going on with each other's love lives.

The fun thing with this set-up is that whenever we see Martin together with whoever was his new girlfriend, Laica would ask what we thought of the girl, or rather, fend us to agree with her that the new girlfriend wasn't as good as her. She'd comment, "Panget diba?" or, "Mukhang labandera diba?" and we'd laugh and agree with her, saying that Martin had it so much better with Laica.

Don't get her wrong, she didn't love Martin anymore. In fact, I think she got into a new relationship before Martin did. She acted critical towards Martin's new girlfriend because all of us need to feel superior to someone. Knowing that we moved on (i.e. Entered a new relationship) before our ex did gives our ego a boost. So does stating that the your ex's new love interest is uglier than you are.

Now, I'm tempted to send a message to my ex saying that if he does find a new girlfriend, he'd better introduce her to me, and vice versa. Harharhar. I can picture it now: my ex and me together with my strapping new boyfriend drinking coffee, and me asking him why he doesn't have a girlfriend yet.

"Bakit wala ka pang girlfriend?" = I'm reminding you how pathetic you are.
"Wala ka bang mahanap na girl?" = You'll never find someone as good as me.
"Gusto mo hanap kita ng girl?" = I pity you.

It's the perfect set of questions!

Or okay, let's say he does have a new girlfriend then. Here's what I'll be thinking:

She's chinese = Too yellow.
She's pretty = She's stupid.
She's not from Ateneo or UP = She's dumber than I thought.
She's rich = Brat.
and of course... I bet she's not as good in bed as I am.

Bwahahahaha! I am the embodiment of evil.