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Thinking about the future makes my heart sink to the pit of my stomach. I think about the failed status of my career (or lack thereof), my unsatisfying, uninteresting, i-really-don't-want-to-do-this degree, the dwindling count of my friends, and my fear of eventually becoming disinterested in any course that I take.

Career. I don't know .NET. Most of the programming languages I know are considered archaic - ASP, VB. Others, I don't even want to remember - Java, PHP. I have this gut feeling that whenever I apply for a programming job, they just look at the programming languages I know then aim for the wastebasket. Now I'm pretty much regretting not accepting that Accenture offer. But I'm good with rationalizing so at least it's not affecting me that much. There's still this glimmer of hope that I'll get a job, because... well, I'm smart right? Right?

Anyway, supposing I do get a job as a programmer... what then? I was talking to GV last Monday and he told me that 25K is probably the highest salary a programmer could receive. The only way to really make money is well... be in a managerial position. The kapal-muks part of me says I can probably do it, but the insecure part of me taunts, "You've got to be kidding me."

Of course, there's also the angle of opening my own business. As of now, the main idea that appeals to me is real estate. Unfortunately, to invest in a business like that, you've got to have a huge, and I mean - HUGE capital... something I don't have. Two other businesses I'm considering are the graphics design business that Jeni and I have been planning for years, and the T-Shirt business I want to go in to. The graphics design business sounds good, but I'm not sure if Jeni really wants to pursue it, much alone be serious about it. The T-Shirt business, on the other hand, is pretty risky. I like designing logos for shirts - meaning what's written on them, not the design-design concerning lack of straps and plunging necklines. I'm aiming to have a store that'll reach the same heights as Penshoppe or Bench, but let's be realistic here - I think there's much more money to be had in Greenhills distributed clothing. Hehehe. So... oh well.

Degree. I hate computer science. I've said it before and I'll say it again. When I was a college froshie and a sophomore, I really enjoyed what I was doing, but eventually the novelty wore off. Who wants a degree that'll eventually confine someone to working in a cubicle, hunched over a keyboard and glazingly stare at the glow of the computer monitor? Tsk. I really should have picked a course that allows me to interact with people.

Friends. Okay, okay, so this fear is a little unfounded. It's just that I never see any of my old friends. The only people I've kept in close contact with since High School is Jacky (who I never see but usually call) and Jeni (who I never call but usually see). My college friends, on the other hand, have seemingly forgotten how it is to have an active social life ever since they got a job. I never see them anymore, they can't find time to fit a dinner into their busy schedule. In fairness, I still talk to Monica and Mil on the phone. I haven't talked to Joan that much because she's busy with the thesis, but I'm planning to call her up sometime. As for Geraldo and Patrick, Ge - i sometimes see (for the occasional movie and pizza) while Pat - he's on the other side of the world, probably bonding with his Korean roommate. *wink wink* Hehehe.

Disinterest. Since I regret taking up computer science, most of my free time is spent wondering what could have been supposing I picked a different course. There were the Psych-Criminology degrees I wanted to get, the Education degree, Culinary Arts, and currently, International Studies (so I can work in the Italian consulate/embassy. Hehehe). I'm thinking of pursuing the first one once I manage to save some money, but I'm afraid that with my short attention span, I'll eventually lose interest, similar to what had happened with my current degree. Tsk tsk. Loser, I know.

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Everyone lives in a state of discontent, I'm just afraid that I'm experiencing it on a grand scale. Hehehe. My discontent leads to disinterest which leads back to discontent which will eventually lead to a life with no direction, no future. And my heart falls to the pit of my stomach again.