Release

It's been nearly a week since we last talked. The communication draught is partly my fault, and I'm sorry. Its just that the day started out really bad, and you never asked why I wanted to call you. You even neglected to reply to my message; not even to tell me that you'll text me later.

So here I am now, immersing myself in the silence between us.

For the whole week, I've been tempted to send you an apology... a Merry Christmas greeting. But everytime I pick up my cellphone, a voice inside my head reminds me of how often I've been the one to apologize, to bow down and give in to you. Or precisely, my feelings for you.

Three years. Four years now. We had our anniversary last December 7. But I guess you wouldn't remember that, much less care about it. Unfortunately, I do. For four years I've been in love with you. For four long years I've put up with the once-every-three-months meetings, with occassional text messages. For four long years I've done nothing but show you how much I care about you.

I suppose there's no question about it. Everytime we have a fight, I always apologize. No matter how grouchy or how moody I become and how bad our fights turn out because of this, we always manage to patch things up. No matter how much of an absentee boyfriend you become, I still smile at the sight of one unread, solitary text message from you.

Anyway, this Christmas coupled with the unbreakable silence between us has led me to rethink our situation. Don't get me wrong, I still love you. It's just that I've finally realized that you will never ever love me the same way I love you. I haven't accepted it yet, but I'm getting there.

It hurts. I'm saying that just so you know. In case you didn't, I just wish that one day you'll be able to feel firsthand - not the pain you brought on me - but the gravity of the love I felt for you. I wish that someday you'll fall in love with some girl as intensely as I've fallen in love with you. Then you'll come to a point when every sleeping and waking moment is filled with thoughts of her, when you just want to give her everything, when you want to hold her in your arms and try to make the world right just for her.

You may have never fallen in love with me, but all I want is for you to know how much I did fall in love with you. I want you to know that love isn't just a word, nor is it a simple emotion. Love, at its greatest, is so complex that one's existence often relies on it. It's at this point that I want you to realize how important love is, and that playing, ignoring or acting oblivious to another's feelings is utterly indefensible.

I wish you all the best. And I wish you all the love in the world. It's about the greatest, happiest emotion you will ever feel. Trust me, that's what I felt four years ago.